Category Archives: looking in self

words from the inner mother – writing meditation

I want to tell you something about life
About the dreams you hold inside
About the ups and downs, about the age and theft of
Years.
Of dreams went broke and left behind.
I want to tell you all…and something nice.
To sing a song along with it
That you can buy on isle 5.
I want to tell you all there is
Of love and hope, of hope and dreams
Of reaching out and going deep
Of holding your hand out into the cold hoping it would catch a drop.
I want to tell you something nice
of birds and songs that come alive
Only when you smile
Of songs that turn you into birds
With wings and `wanna play’s` into their eyes
With feathers of gold.
I want to tell you something more
Don’t give up on your dreams and go
Cause you don’t need to say it more
But the look in your eyes when you think of it – no matter that “it“ is – is incredible and luminous
I want for you to know it all
to tell you all and hold you long
To keep you all
Safe and confident, to do it all
To not take blame or shame along.
I want to keep you safe and warm
So you can dream
and hatch your hopes
to grow your wings
as strong as a bow
(that’s funny, cause bowing doesn’t come with wings)
and clear as fog.
I want to hold you space so close
but yet so loose and form your sacred place to grow
I want to tell you something more
Your dreams, your hopes, your love for songs
Is there, still warm, just waiting for a note to go
Across the sun, the yard, the sea
Across the Opera of Me.
I want to tell you this and more
I love your song and love you more
So go my child. Be brave and play
Play with your voice
And go away.
Don’t worry cause you’ll let me go
I’ll be here still, holding it all,
I’ll love you more than you can know
And happily keep shining on
For you, for me, for all of us
For all that needs to come on out

2416_colibri

What i really need you to know is this
There is no right or wrong
No yes or no
There’s only this… this moment here
This second when you’re breathing in.
And even this, right now, is gone
So what i really need to know…
Just go, don’t need to know it all
Just fall and go
Go up the hill and down the road
Rise up from bed and try again
And go where you never thought you might go

The story of us (a dream undreamed yet)

It was March when you came. Unannounced, unprepared. Even for yourself.
It was just you and your dog. Nothing else. I found you sitting on the stairs, on my floor, in front of my door.

As I was walking up the stairs, I stopped, looked at you, even stared. You were there. I have dreamt of this so many times, in so many ways, and now, that you’re there, I couldn’t believ it. I passed you and got to the door, holding my breath, as if, if I exhaled, you would disappear…like a ghost. Puppy followed me, wiggling its tail, and as I opened the door, I looked back, my eyes asking you if you wanna come in.

I was silent on the outside, even cold, I couldn’t breathe, talk, think, but the inner voices we’re messing with my mind, my heart, my soul and butterflies. Inside of me a storm began: the thought you cannot be here, it’s not real, that I’m dreaming, the insane happiness of seeing you waiting for me as I waited for you all year, the dreams and hopes I created of you moving here, to try once more to be…more, the memories of that night, the kisses we shared, the glances we got lost into, the lust and despair of one night together and then the going away.

I put water to boil, looking at it so intensely as if I could boil it with my sight, listening to your steps, and the dog’s in the hallway and the house. You were there. Inside. My house. As you stopped in the kitchen’s doorway, I looked up. Your face, your smile, your blue eyes and red hair. Your eyes said so much, into them I could read the story of your year, the trip that got you here, the decisions you had do make, the family you left behind, the girlfriend you had for a few months, the memory of that night, our walk in the snow, the games, the team, your job and your mom. As I exhaled, I closed my eyes. What if I open them and you are not there anymore? I heard your steps toward me and as I opened my eyes, tears appeared.
– I cannot believe, where the first word to come out
– Come here, you said
– Why did you come? What are you trying to say?

Your hands around my waist as the water loudly boiled on the stove. I put my hands on your chest and suddenly I remembered it all, the night, the kisses, the memory of our bodies mixing into one, the feeling when you lift me, it was all back as if it was yesterday. You brought me closer and started to share your thoughts. You, who rarely talked, you, from whom I had to pull our words with a pair of tongs, you, who are so good at keeping things to yourself. You, who missed me, who remembered everything, just like me, you, who were grateful for opening up to me; you, who had a different life there, you, who fell in love for a month, you, who didn’t want to move back, but had to, you, who when you realized you had to move back for your mom, the first thought was of us.

Still there, deep inside

Still there
Like a ghost created by my mind
Still there
Like a creature brought from another life.

You’re still there,
Although it’s been so long,
So deep in my thoughts
My dreams and my hopes.

You’re still there,
My God, I wish you were not,
It’s been years, 4 in a row,
Since we chose different paths.

But you’re still
Like the pictures I see
Still there like a rock
Who’s dragging me deep.
And I cling onto you
And I ask myself why
‘cause I know no good sense
That you’re still in my mind.

despărţire

“Mă bucur că te-am cunoscut” îi spuse.
„Mă bucur că te-am cunoscut, nici nu îţi poţi închipui cât de mult mă bucur.”
Rostea cuvintele privind aburul ce urca lasciv din cana de cafea. Atât de concentrat încât nu observase că ea ieşea deja din cafenea.

„Mă bucur că eşti a mea”, continuă conversaţia. Vorbea deja cu ea, cu cealaltă ea, aceea care îl părăsise la altar. „Vom avea o viaţă frumoasă noi doi, casa noastră, o terasă…Mă mai iubeşti?..”
Întrebarea rămase în aer, precum aburul din faţa sa.

Ridică ochii spre scaunul gol,cana de cafea to go începută şi marcată de urmele buzelor roşii-roz. Privi urmele buzelor pe marginea de carton. Nu mai ştia cum arăta. Ochii căprui-verzi, părul blond cu nuanţe de roşcat, rochia lungă, ziua nunţii şi apoi noaptea asta petrecută împreună. Cine sunt ele, care e una, care e alta? De ce le-a întâlnit pe amândouă, pe fiecare.

what happens when you outgrow your relationships?

In fiecare relaţie în care intrăm venim cu plusuri şi minusuri, suntem acolo să învăţăm şi să îl ajutăm pe celălalt să crească. Un fel de win win situation, în care toată lumea are de învăţat, acceptă şi primeşte asta. Ce se întâmplă însă în relaţiile în care te simţi vampirizat, eşti sunat doar când persoana de la capătul firului are nevoie de ceva sau în cele în care simţi că te-ai blocat în aceiaşi rutină cu oameni (dragi, de altfel), în care vă reflectaţi atât de tare defectele şi posturile de victimă încât mai mult vă afundaţi?

E o întrebare care îmi bântuie mintea de o lună şi ceva şi la care nu pot spune că am găsit răspunsul. Azi, un articol deschis începea aşa:  “Gladwell spune că suntem esenţa celor cinci oameni alături de care ne petrecem majoritatea timpului”. Nu l-am citit pe Gladwell deşi e a sort of guru, sau poate tocmai asta, pentru că hipsterul din mine refuză să citească ce e main stream şi preferă să fie cu un pas înainte, oricum, fraza asta m-a cam izbit în moalele capului şi a problemei la care mă gândeam. Esenţa celor 5 oameni de care ne petrecem majoritatea timpului… and then i look around…şi înţeleg de ce am rărit multe din prieteniile pe care le aveam, de ce oameni dragi, cum spuneam, îi văd odată la câteva luni. Iar cei 5 cu care mă înconjor sunt mostly de la muncă şi prietena mea, Miky. 

Deşi în ultima perioadă încerc cât mai mult să mă disociez de muncă şi rolul meu de acolo, să descopăr că există viaţă şi după job, nu pot spune că nu sunt recunoscătoare pentru această constatare. Pentru că cei cu care lucrez sunt oameni care cresc şi învaţă constant şi care dacă dau de o problemă învaţă din mers cum să treacă peste ea. Sunt chiar enervanţi când fac asta, în timp ce eu şi copilul meu interior, ne punem în fund, dăm din picioare şi spunem supăraţi “eu nu mai vreau să fac asta”. 

Ce aduc eu în schimb şi care e contribuţia mea? Partea de sensibilitate, de mediere şi de ameţeală şi copilărie interioară. Căci are şi asta farmecul şi puterea sa.

strop şi emoţii

Ascund un strop de tragedie în fiecare picătură din noapte. În fiecare zi, minut, secundă. E ca o tortură, dar totuşi o fericire pentru mine. Pentru că unde e tragedia, e şi romantismul maxim/magic sau comedia. Extremele… Interesant e că toate stările astea, extreme, sunt doar în mine. Rar se exprimă. Sau, mai degrabă, rar le las să se exprime şi nu le reprim, controlez, subjug şi ucid. Şi-aşa rămân în mine, ca un ocean în întuneric, calm la suprafaţă, însă mereu pregătit să se ridice, sub forma unui tsunami.

dor si dor, mai ceva ca apolodor

Am citit intr-un articol incredibil de frumos ca sufletele pereche apar in viata noastra ca sa ne oglindeasca la un moment dat si sa ne ajute sa ne schimbam si ca e normal sa le lasam sa plece si sa nu ne atarnam de ele.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants.

But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever?

Nah. Too painful.

Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.”

~  Elizabeth Gilbert

Mi-a venit in minte ideea asta azi cand in mine rasuna dorul si ma cufundasem intr-o zona de (o sa sune ciudat poate) dor si detasare. Detasare caci, in general, e dor de o stare si nu de persoana care imi dadea starea aceea. Insa azi, dorul s-a intors cu gandul de “imi e dor de el”, de ochii lui, de atingerea lui, asa cum numai el a putut sa ma faca sa ma simt de protejata, iubita, imbratisata in toata fiinta mea – materie si suflet. Si cu toate astea, cu fericirea ca e intr-o relatie de lunga durata, iar pozele care apar pe wall once in a while par pline de fericire. Ciudat. Extreme din mine s-au manifestat astazi impreuna ca sa ma puna pe ganduri.

Si sa imi dau seama ca el a fost / este unul din sufletele mele pereche – poate a true soul mate – sa rememorez stari si momente, sa integrez in minte schimbarile care au venit din momentele noaste impreuna, to have my heart broken once more so i can let new light inside.

Pentru ca, daca am realizat ceva din cumul de stari azi, este ca o parte din mine traieste inca in trecut – trecutul in care eram slaba, trecutul in care eram iubita, iar iubirea noastra era pura, trecutul in care totul era aventura, trecutul in care eram libera si porneam la joaca. Sunt franturi si nu mai sunt atat de mari si de multe, insa prin faptul ca sunt acolo, ma tin ancorata de o lume in care nu mai sunt, nu mai suntem nici unul si care nu mai revine niciodata la fel. Ancorata astfel incat, desi ma misc si evoluez, sa raman pe loc si sa stagnez.

Iar obsesia muzicala de azi, inca dinainte de a deveni constienta de dorul interior, este Let Go   Coincidenta? 🙂

don’t let your passion kill you

“we like what we’re doing” – is the conclusion me and my friend, also a co-worker, reached together after a full weekend of training, while feeling exhausted.

I like what i’m doing – I have a purpose, I give meaning to others, i help them discover themselves and others. I should be happy. But, literally, i’ve been crabbing all the way through my last weeks and failing at almost everything the past few months. my efficiency is lower than the sea and i feel like i’m doing everything wrong. I have no time for my self, i spend most of my time at work or working, worrying that something may not be right, i sleep around 4 hours per night and no, i don’t work in a corporate.

The worst thing (for me) is that i’m considering working again in one, although i don’t agree with the system., and taking work and training purely for money, when i feel it’s not the right reason to do it… and that i don’t like my job anymore, after every training, i feel and think that i don’t want to do this anymore.

I used to love what i’m doing, i wanted to be a trainer, to do this. It was my vocation (or so i felt a year ago) and now … I was so passionate, there were months i didn’t care for anything else but work and loved it every thing about it (even it’s worse moments).

Yesterday, after a long training day (yes, on a Sunday, the third one in a row that is gonna keep on going until the end of the year), i realised it was dark and i didn’t know when the sun set and i wondered if this is who i wanted to become. Because i know that i don’t want to be this girl, who works all day long, feels exhausted and wants to quit at least once a week. and feels like she doesn’t have a choice but to stay because she’s responsible for something and she doesn’t know where (or if) she’ll find work. This is not growing or learning, this is not just giving up when it gets tough, this is that point, when i’ve lost touch with my self.

I feel like a little robot, doing things just because i have to and not because i want to.

I don’t have a solution yet to this problem, not one that doesn’t involve me quitting and leaving everything for a month or so, but if it’s one thing i know is that even passion and vocation can become a burden if you don’t take care of yourself.

of mice and men

pe blogul secret dintre mine si 2 prietene am scris in urma cu o luna jumate, intr-un moment de du-te-vino emotional f puternic. am recitit acum si hotarat sa il postez si aici. postul original se cheama “lost and found. mind and heart”, l-am transformat dupa instinct, iar apoi am cautat semnificatia. mi-a placut ca instinctul a stiut de ce imi spune asta si in loc sa pun explicatia – legatura dintre titlu si semnificatia cartii, voi pune un fragment gasit pe wikipedia in legatura cu cartea

In every bit of honest writing in the world there is a base theme. Try to understand men, if you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and nearly always leads to love. There are shorter means, many of them. There is writing promoting social change, writing punishing injustice, writing in celebration of heroism, but always that base theme. Try to understand each other.

— John Steinbeck in his 1938 journal entry

Postul original e asta:

am senzaţia asta,ca si cand ratez ceva,ca şi cand sunt in altă parte decat unde trebuia,of missing someone or something somehow.nu stiu daca pot explica sau daca pe voi v’a incercat vreodata starea asta ca sa intelegeti starea.
Nici eu nu o pot explica. in liceu as fi descris’o ca pe starea de asteptare a personajelor ionesciene (ironic,haha) – asteapta trenul,iubirea,scaparea,viata. se asteapta pe ei sa faca ceva. Bizar,nu cu ideea asta am pornit postarea,dar flowul m’a purtat… in fine,i’m kind of random.
Dar simt nevoia sa exprim ceva – acest ceva pe care nu pot sa pun mana,nu stiu ce este si de unde vine / ce vrea. Dar e ceva. “Ceva”. wtf??!?
ti s’a intamplat vreodata asta? sa vrei sa exprimi ceva,sa arda in tine,sa vrei sa il scoti dar sa nu stii ce forma sa’i dai? pt ca daca nu stiu sa’l definesc,cum pot sa’l exprim si sa’l scot.Iar in timp ce scriu,se aude “aware” – Bogdan vb cu trainerii.
Ti s’a intamplat vreodata sa iti fie frica de ceva? de ceva ce vrei si cauti? de care devii din ce in ce mai constient ca e o nevoie de baza a ta? la mine asta e dragostea. nici asta nu pot explica. si poate suna bizar.dar cred ca raman in cercuri cu baieti mai mici ca mine si ma atrag pt ca e zona de relax pt mine- i know how to handle that.
Sunt random,asa’i?
nu am un subiect la propriu aici,nimic special ce s’ a intamplat,just my every day way to react si pozitionarea mea.si starea asta – de out of sight,of time,of space, de fapt,starea de missing something inside.
As vrea sa plang dar nu’mi permit asta.De ce? pt ca nu am timp sa ma descarc si sa ma refac.nu am timp de asta,am prea multe pe cap and no time to do it.ca iepurele din Alice in Wonderland. nu am timp sa fac asta,sa caut what’s wrong,to fix myself up.no time,no time! (as putea reface piesa lui Florence cu tema asta). iar lipsa asta de timp ma arunca din nou in intrebarea “ce caut eu aici?” “eu nu am puterea asta,nu pot entuziasma asa oamenii,nu pot sa transmit ceva. WTF?!”.

this is how my thoughts run up and down in my heart and head all the time,in circles,like cat and dog and mouse chasing each other.
i’m out