Category Archives: isn’t it ironic; don’t you think?

don’t let your passion kill you

“we like what we’re doing” – is the conclusion me and my friend, also a co-worker, reached together after a full weekend of training, while feeling exhausted.

I like what i’m doing – I have a purpose, I give meaning to others, i help them discover themselves and others. I should be happy. But, literally, i’ve been crabbing all the way through my last weeks and failing at almost everything the past few months. my efficiency is lower than the sea and i feel like i’m doing everything wrong. I have no time for my self, i spend most of my time at work or working, worrying that something may not be right, i sleep around 4 hours per night and no, i don’t work in a corporate.

The worst thing (for me) is that i’m considering working again in one, although i don’t agree with the system., and taking work and training purely for money, when i feel it’s not the right reason to do it… and that i don’t like my job anymore, after every training, i feel and think that i don’t want to do this anymore.

I used to love what i’m doing, i wanted to be a trainer, to do this. It was my vocation (or so i felt a year ago) and now … I was so passionate, there were months i didn’t care for anything else but work and loved it every thing about it (even it’s worse moments).

Yesterday, after a long training day (yes, on a Sunday, the third one in a row that is gonna keep on going until the end of the year), i realised it was dark and i didn’t know when the sun set and i wondered if this is who i wanted to become. Because i know that i don’t want to be this girl, who works all day long, feels exhausted and wants to quit at least once a week. and feels like she doesn’t have a choice but to stay because she’s responsible for something and she doesn’t know where (or if) she’ll find work. This is not growing or learning, this is not just giving up when it gets tough, this is that point, when i’ve lost touch with my self.

I feel like a little robot, doing things just because i have to and not because i want to.

I don’t have a solution yet to this problem, not one that doesn’t involve me quitting and leaving everything for a month or so, but if it’s one thing i know is that even passion and vocation can become a burden if you don’t take care of yourself.

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world upside down – aventuri in drum spre birou

la metrou,un barbat inalt,uscativ,care miroase a bautura si nesomn,umple statia aproape goala vorbind tare cu calatorii care il ignora. Vb cu mine desi privesc telefonul si ascult muzica.azi car dupa mine o punga mare de hartie plina cu cutii si materiale de reciclat. probabil ca i se pare ca am mai mare nevoie de ajutorul lui decat oricine altcineva in momentul ala. se apropie,scoate portofelul,cauta,scoate 10 lei si mi’i intinde.intreb “de ce” desi cred ca privirea’mi’e suficient de expresiva si fara vorbe.”ai nevoie”,”pentru tine sa..” si,pt ca eu refuz sa’i iau,ii pune in punga,intre o cutie si punga,fixandu’i sa nu’i ia vantul. 
raman blocata,intreb de ce,ii spun sa’i ia,”cred ca ai mai multa nevoie de ei ca mine”,sa pun mana? murdar asta imi vine in minte, privesc ecranul telefonului si ma gandesc ca e ii dau de pomana. “Samariteanul” balmajeste aceleasi cuvinte cu altele pline de manie in timp ce se leagana si se indeparteaza,fara coerenta. mie inca nu’mi vine sa cred -ce film e asta?, privesc banii, sunt chiar acolo, pe bune, the world is upside down, un cersetor ofera bani de pomana. se aseaza pe scaune 10 pasi mai departe, vb cu cei de pe peronul celalalt, casca din urechea dreapta ma impiedica sa aud ce spune, ce dracu fac? ii dau. dar nu vreau sa pun mana, si-apoi il provoc. cacat! de pomana, e clar. vine din nou. ok, ii dau. ridic hartia din punga, i-o intind, deschide portofelul din nou – wtf??? – va rog sa ii luati, lasa – zice – adauga ceva, nu il aud, nu il inteleg, nu stiu ce naiba mai vrea. in portofel zaresc 2 hartii de 1 milion (asta are mai multi bani ca mine, pe bune!), il poftesc din nou sa-si ia banii, ii pun pe marginea scarilor rulante si ii spun ca ii las acolo, se agita, vine metroul, ce bine!, scap, ridic punga, ultimele cuvinte coerente pe care le aud sunt “ia milionul asta, ia milionul asta si du-te si schimba-i”. atata imi trebuie, ETE NA rasuna tare in timp ce urc in metrou gandindu-ma ca daca vine dupa mine, se va isca o scena de vor avea si altii statusuri de “in drum spre munca”. incepe si urla, ramane afara, striga la mine, aud cateva cuvinte, nu sunt de bine, evident, urla in continuu si dupa usile inchise, plimbandu-se ca un animal in cusca la marginea peronului.