“we like what we’re doing” – is the conclusion me and my friend, also a co-worker, reached together after a full weekend of training, while feeling exhausted.
I like what i’m doing – I have a purpose, I give meaning to others, i help them discover themselves and others. I should be happy. But, literally, i’ve been crabbing all the way through my last weeks and failing at almost everything the past few months. my efficiency is lower than the sea and i feel like i’m doing everything wrong. I have no time for my self, i spend most of my time at work or working, worrying that something may not be right, i sleep around 4 hours per night and no, i don’t work in a corporate.
The worst thing (for me) is that i’m considering working again in one, although i don’t agree with the system., and taking work and training purely for money, when i feel it’s not the right reason to do it… and that i don’t like my job anymore, after every training, i feel and think that i don’t want to do this anymore.
I used to love what i’m doing, i wanted to be a trainer, to do this. It was my vocation (or so i felt a year ago) and now … I was so passionate, there were months i didn’t care for anything else but work and loved it every thing about it (even it’s worse moments).
Yesterday, after a long training day (yes, on a Sunday, the third one in a row that is gonna keep on going until the end of the year), i realised it was dark and i didn’t know when the sun set and i wondered if this is who i wanted to become. Because i know that i don’t want to be this girl, who works all day long, feels exhausted and wants to quit at least once a week. and feels like she doesn’t have a choice but to stay because she’s responsible for something and she doesn’t know where (or if) she’ll find work. This is not growing or learning, this is not just giving up when it gets tough, this is that point, when i’ve lost touch with my self.
I feel like a little robot, doing things just because i have to and not because i want to.
I don’t have a solution yet to this problem, not one that doesn’t involve me quitting and leaving everything for a month or so, but if it’s one thing i know is that even passion and vocation can become a burden if you don’t take care of yourself.