job vs real life

Prima intrebare dupa prezentarea numelui este “cu ce te ocupi?”, “ce meserie ai?”, “cu ce-ti ocupi timpul?” de parca slujba pe care o detinem in viata reala ne defineste pe de-a intregul. “ce faci?, “ce lucrezi?” – o lume intreaga care se defineste prin ce face 8-10 ore/zi si nu prin ceea ce este. pentru ca pe cei mai multi dintre noi nu munca ne defineste.

I used to work in PR. Or in a really really small part of the domain and I used to define myself through it. I lost my days, hours, evenings, even nights and weekends in a place where i also buried my creativity, my personality, my confidence, my passions. I was my job, every moment of the day. It didn’t matter that I was out of the office, out with friends, guys, partying, seeing a movie, listening to a concert, everything I saw, heard, talked was filtered through what i was doing. And soon, it ate me alive. I became a robot, a faded version of real me, so pale and transparent that i forgot who i really was. I was miserable and even if everyone close, myself included, could see, nobody knew what was really happening. It took one date for one guy to see and tell me straight what it was going on. And it was shocking. I was dressing, talking, writing, thinking work-like. I wasn’t me anymore, I was so far away from that person i could have become that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was so driven by the career hunting around me that I didn’t realize when I got lost in the wrong field or work place.

Because I don’t know not even now, months after resigning, leaving everything behind and returning, who I am and what am I doing or would like to be doing and what went wrong. I don’t know if it was the work place, the office,the career or maybe both that were wrong for me.

I am not one of those career driven people who know what they are good at and what they like and want to do for the next 3,5, maybe 10 years (i’m excluding the syntax “for the rest of their life” on purpose, who believes in it nowadays?) , I am not and never have been. And even if I am closer to finding what I like, i don’t feel any closer to finding what I want to do in my life.

But everyday i see people who know exactly this, what to do, how to do it, and they do it with passion and light in their eyes, with hope and restlessness. I look at them, I admire them, sometimes i even envy them and I wonder what it’s like to be like them.

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